Christmas Eve 2000 - I was at Jenny and Jeorg (Sara's sister and brother-in-law)'s flat when I was asked by a friend if I wanted to meet him and another friend of ours in Thailand. At first I wasn't sure. I had been having a difficult time of figuring out how to just simply be and yet not lose awareness in the midst of grief.
My dear friends Dale and Ian suggested that I look into doing a Vipassana (mindfulness meditation) retreat. At this same time Craig (best man at my wedding) told me of his friend in the United Arab Emirates (where Craig was working) who did retreat at a monastery called Wat Suan Mokk. And at the same time I had just met a friend of Daphne and Janie (Callanish friends, dharma friends, and Sara's doctor and counsellor) who had been to Wat Suan Mokk. So much synchronicity I decided to go . . . it was a wonderful experience and allowed me room to greive, explore and stay aware all at once. An invaluable journey for me that I would share with you ...
Jedi Wat Kao Noi was one of the first temples that I visited. It is situated on the island of Koh Phan Ngan
The man I am sitting with in the photo is Phra Somchai - the monk who is in charge of / care of Jedi Wat Kao Noi.
I sat with Phra Som chai and then he blessed Mike, Pete and I, then we joined he and his cat (Charlie Chaplin) for tea.
It is funny that Pete and Mike have seen so mant temples in the past that it is not "new" or "interesting" for them but they came here because I wanted to . Also they were interested in the name because of Sara's love of Star Wars and the word "jedi" (also "chedi") and that Sara always considered herself a Jedi - which I would now translate as a "repository of good energy" - a meaning that covers both the pali and the Lucas versions - definately describes Sara.
Pete and Mike started calling Jedi Wat Kao Noi 'Sara's temple'
Jedi Wat Khao Noy
My love Sara on my mind
She's always with me
I don't really feel maudlin. Originally Sara wanted to live to see 25 - she did. And then she knew how she wanted to die - and she did. Leaving me alone - yes, but with no sense of betrayal.
Still . . . it is her birthday and I painfully remember her touch, her smile, her laugh, her kisses, her fingers in my beard and hair, on my ears and body. I miss her touch but know that she is but a breath away. Still . . .
Another 1st
The 1st birthday without you
Another memory, flash and tears.
I'll pray you hear me today
and know my love is as strong as ever.
My own bodhisattva
I still miss you
even now.
Laughter and smiles
Fingers on flesh
Memories in my body
Gifts you left behind
I love you - always.
Even this Bangkok city heat
cannot keep these healing tears at bay
It is as it should be.
I left Bangkok and travelled to Ayutthya (N. of Bangkok) and found that afternoon a small Chinese shrine to Quan-yin. I prayed nd for Sara's birthday left in the hands of the smaller statue (below the 1000 Arms Quanyin) a Variety Club Show of Hearts gold heart (in memory of all Sara's work for Variety Club).
"The largest group of monuments besides Maha That (which is huge in of itself)."
Here have found a buddha image that truly speaks to me. . . it has a hole worn through the grief point, the touchpoint to the heart.
I wrote the following while sitting in front of the budda image (above) and doing the grief point meditation:
Perhaps it is the heat of the day
Perhaps it is Phra Phai Luang
But there is no grief today
Missing - yes, that's still there
But love more than grief
At least for now - in this moment
at Wat Phra Phai Luang
Compassion smiles on me
Quanyin hears my unsung cries
I am never alone - oh Sara
Wat U Mong is a temple that was "rescued" and reclaimed by Ajan Buddhadassa - the monk who created Wat Suan Mokk - where I will be going for retreat. This statue of the Buddha he commissioned to remind us not to go too far into the aesetic as well as not to grasp/desire. Both extremes lead to suffering.
There was a beauty in the sufferance of this image that captured me and still does to this very day and so I have included it here.
This is a shrine to Avalokitesvara / Quanyin that I found in Bangkok (between Thewet and Khao San). I would come here every day that I was in Bangkok.
This is the bell tower at the International Dharma Hermitage where thje retreats at Wat Suan Mokk take place. The IDh was designed specifically for retreat ...
Our basic daily schedule was as follows:
4:00 rise and shine
4:30 reading (at the meditation hall)
4:45 sitting meditation
5:15 qigong (Quanyin standing form)
7:00 sitting meditation
8:00 breakfast and chores
10:00 dharma talk with Ajan Poh (abbot of Wat Suan Mokk) & sitting meditation
11:00 walking or standing meditation
11:30 sitting meditation
12:00 walking or standing meditation
12:30 lunch and chores
14:30 meditation instruction and sitting meditation
15:30 walking or standing meditation
16:15 sitting meditation
17:00 chanting and metta (lovingkindness meditation)
18:00 tea and hotspring
19:30 dharma talk
20:00 walking or standing or sitting meditation
21:00 bedtime
22:00 lights out
This is the grounds of the IDH at Wat Suan Mokk. Here we could go to sit, walk, stand , be. Just beware standing or sitting underneath the coconut palms - they can kill you (no really - they are very heavy and hard).
This is meditation Hall two - where we did most of our sitting meditation, dharma talk and chanting.
from my journal - March 02, 2001
"tonight after metta (and during) tears came streaming down my face - in silence. Tears . . . the inception was the image of Sara . . . "may they have a long life" . . . but who are the tears really for? She left in peace and is free from suffering - know that . . . I feel that . . . it is a truth . . . the tears are for me . . . my suffering . . . my pain . . . my journey . . .
may I be free from suffering
may I know a long life
may I know love and kindness
may I share that with the world.
March 03, 2001
The morning cicada and I
waiting for the morning bell
this wooden pillow seems harder
Here is a photo of Ajan Poh - the Abbot of Wat Suan Mokk (he took over after Ajan Buddhadassa).
I had been having many images of Sara come into my mind when was sitting. I had an interview with Ajan Poh and asked him about grief. His answer - concentrate harder. Ohhhhh ... I was frustrated - at first. This was just like all those stories you read of zen masters saying the exact same thing . . . but it was the truth . . . concentrate harder, allow and observe the grief, and let it go through. There is no magical process - just be ....
But, I was frustrtated. Yet I looked forward to chanting and metta. Tan Medhi (the chanting monk as we called him) always made me laugh - or at the very least smile with the chanting, and Yvonne who lead the metta meditation was just wonderful.
But this day Yvonne said that she was having to leave early. So she share with us a story of lovingkindness. She had to tell two women to leave today (third warning after breaking the rules of the retreat). They got mad. She got angry back - and she felt awful. She sat and cried. A nun came by, she told the nun and the nun said only, "lovingkindness". It struck right to her core and she gave herself the lovingkindness and forgiveness she needed.
We then continued with the meditation. During the metta meditation she had us think of a time when we were truly at peace - and the time that came to mind was while Sara was dying - the night we held hands and lay on the bed together. At that moment there was no future, no past, just the present.
It was such a wonderful feeling after the despair/ grief I had been struggling with. So afterward I approached Yvonne and thanked her and (breaking the silence rule) thanked her and told her the above. tears came into her eyes and she thanked me - then I went into the field - alone - and looked at the moon - Sara's "dragon's eye" - and cried myself to stillness.
"Now I am ready to continue. But there is something in the telling of the story - as a gift - as compassion - for the right reasons - that makes the grief a burden easier to bear - willingly and lovingly" - from journal March 6, 2001
March 6, 2001
3/4 moon in blue twilight
cicadas and racing bats
having shed my tears and shared
my story with love and compassion
I am lighter
March 9, 2001
15th day of 2nd lunar month
full moon glistens on coconut palms
as I follow my moonshadow to the meditation hall
to sit for moonset and sunrise
to sit in Tao
March 10, 2001
moonset to the west
sunrise in the east
lightening in the south
dipper in the north
this morning there is energy everywhere
March 10, 2001
midday rain soothes mind
pat pat pat the sound of dharma falling
the breath of the world refreshes
Ahh, now here is Tao
Statue of Avalokitesvara that Buddhadassa had comissioned for Wat Suan Mokk from a broken bust of the statue he found
Later, just before leaving Thailand, I saw a copy of the bust at the National Museum in Bangkok and wrote the following:
Padmapani gazes down
no me, no my, no mine
sitting . . . breathing . . . looking . . .
I lose all sense of Self
Lightness becomes freedom
How can I but smile?
After leaving Wat Suan Mokk I headed over to Krabi and then out to a little island called Koh Jum. Nothing to do there but eat, swim and deal with the monkeys who try to ransack your bungalow. While in Krabi I met a fellow from Washington D.C. who had seen "Sara's Story" - a very small world indeed. He took the boat over to Jum with me.
I went for a walk later that day - down the island, and was struck at how much it looked like Long Beach on Vancouver Island (Chesterman Beach to be specific) - even with the little island and the rock outcroppings.
As I was walking I remembered Sara and I beachcombing and having our time together this time last year . . . and I sat and cried into the ebbing tide for a long time. Then I watched an amazing sunset, wrote " I miss you" for the waves to wash away. "Koh Jum proved to be more emotional and difficult than any part of my journey thus far -the pain is great in my heart - my love still strong - yet not holding on - just simply there - that's the beauty and reality of it - I love her still and therefore will miss her always. Honour that and move with its own tide and know that you will get through. Like waves on the beach- all changes. Love Brad"
waves make excellent witness
they come and go
taking with them the tears
