This bit of writting is some of the first Sara has been able to do about this Cancer called DSRCT. What go the pen flowing was a reply to another young man who was just diagnosed. Please keep this person in your thoughts as well as Sara.
These thoughts are culled from that letter . . . - Brad
The first thing I want to say is [I am] going to make it. This cancer is very treatable. The numbers to go on are very few but most of the studies I've read showed people in [my] age group acheive remission, they can't say cure yet because these individuals in the study have only been treated in the last five years. But still things look good.
. . . I've just had my surgery December 29th and had all the cancer removed from my abdomen. I had chemo from Jan 12th - 16th, . . . the first chemo is the worst. . . . I found that Embracing the chemo treatments instead of Fighting them helped. Every time I have chemo I try not to think of how bad I feel but how it's killing the cancer cells.
My abdomen still hurts when I sneeze or cough or move so I wasn't happy to have chemo but at least I'm used to it. About 12 days after "day 1" of a chemo session I usually feel quite good. This is also a time I get my positive energy back.
Beware of low blood counts! When my counts are low I find it hard to fight the blues. That's when this whole situation seems overwhealming. At times like that sometimes I can only lie in bed and cry, just getting by hour to hour. It is . . . hard to accept the child-needs you may experience but I know even though I'm engaged and turning 24 in Feb. sometimes I just want my mom to hold me.
I just started going to a support group and I found it difficult. At first it was wonderful, but then when all these strangers started coming up to me offering advice it was too much. I found myself saying I wasn't like them. I just have Cancer, I'm not dying of it. I am going to try a different group with mostly people my own age. It's hard to find young people with Cancer. There are not many of us and who knows, I [and one other] might be the only DSRCT patients currently in treatment. I like to say I am truly one-in-a-million becaus there's around 3 million people in BC and I'm the 4th DSRCT diagnosis. Of the other three my doctor treated 2 are in remission and they didn't even get this successful protocol I am getting - so more good news.
. . . Right now the hardest thing I'm coming to grips with is a loss of innocence in regards to my mortality. My experience with fear of dying used to mean apprehension when boarding a plane, the moment after a close call in a car, or my childhood fear of the atomic bomb. Now eveything's changed. It's not that simple. Dying young and soon became a possible reality for me. i don't beleive I'll ever be the same but once I get used to it I'll probably be better off because my appreciation for life will increase. Ironically before my diagnosis I went through a depression that made me question if I wanted to live. Now I do and I want you to as well.
- Sara Taylor; Vancouver, British Columbia.
Thought from Brad:
Remember, having needs is much different than being needy.
I'm not doing so well. Physically I'm exhausted which isn't so dramatic but emotionally I'm plum outta gas.
How long is forever? Because right now this is taking forever! I feel like I'll never feel good again. As a matter of fact it's hard to remember what it felt like to feel good, to be free of this fear that I could die. People tell me people my age never think about dying. I think I did fit it in somewhere in all my worrying. But I never really beleived I would get Cancer at this age. I thought I could fall off my horse, or be killed in a car accident or in a nuclear war - that scared me so much as a child. I was so afraid of slowly dying in a nuclear radiated world. Now I'm afraid of dying slowly of Cancer. Earthquakes and fires still scare me too. Or that Cancer will get everyone that I care about.
Everyone I see tells me how strong and brave I am. Lately I don't feel taht way. It's because I'm letting my fear get the best of me. It's so gripping - fear. I don't want to be left behind. I have so much I haven't done. I've been doing a lot of looking back on my life lately. Mostly inspired by John Denver songs and I realize how much I cherish my childhood. Growing up in Precipice was so wonderful. The Wild Wind for a brother - I rremember hearing the wind come from so far away, rushing towards us. I used to imagine it came all the way from Floyd Vaughn's plane. You could hear the distance the wind travelled. Or when it was rushing through my hair when I galloped Gypsy without fear. Then one day she fell. I was thrown but not hurt but after that I wasn't able to gallop with the same sense of unconcern. I was always looking down, checking the ground. No one else seemed worried about this but I always did. I still do. I only want to go fast where it's smooth. Sometimes though I grit my teeth and go because those cows need to be caught. But when I did or do this I know Mr. Death is hanging over my shoulder and I feel truly that I'm taking my chances.
So I did have some sense of mortality even when I was a child. I truly believed I would not live to be my parents' agae because of nuclear war. I'm scared it would come true.
MY COMMENTS ON BRAVERY.
People tell me how brave I am and strong - but I don't feel very courageous - I feel scared out of my mind. Everyday I seriously consider stopping my treatment and taking my chances. If it wasn't for the support of my family I believe I would quit. that's when I feel more the coward than the hero.
What is bravery anyway? The dictionary defines bravery as strength of mind in danger or difficulty - Courage or the strength of mind to control fear - my mind isn't controlling my fear at all. I would rather be called dauntless.
I am dauntless, plucky spitited, and that I have heart - Bravery is for the fearless, Mettle is for resolutely? steadfastedly?
I don't know, sometimes I am not steadfast either. I'm just hear enduring and not always gracefully. I've heard myself whine a time or two. Or despair and wallow in guilt or self-pity or loathing. Are these the actions of a brave person? I don't think so - because I'm incredibly hard on myself. Brad says I'm wrong. He says these are the feelings of a brave person - so there we go again, someone else says I'm brave.
- Sara Taylor; Vancouver, British Columbia.
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